Beach Blanket Babylon

You would be right in thinking that BBB, as locals call it with varying degrees of embarrassment, is as pretentious as it sounds. Something of an institution for the materialistic zombies of Notting Hill, it has for many years been a place to see and be seen in – quite by who, I don’t really know. As a former Notting Hillite myself (now reformed – I no longer use room sprays from Diptyque or buy pastries from Ottolenghi), I can’t say that I have particularly fond memories of the place.

Pushing your way through the waspy swarm of vacant Prada-laden airheads, you might get a glimpse of the Gaudiesque decor, a schizophrenic medley of something from a Disneyland fairytale and a skewed interpretation of romantic gothic architecture. Drawbridges and plank-way crossings are combined with cavernous grottos, self-important candelabras and a stone stairway, presumably ransacked from a Bavarian castle.

Once you adjust to the shock of being surrounded by the decorative facade and similarly replica people, you might decide to sit down on one of the torturous dining chairs and order some food. Regrettably, things don’t get any better. Exorbitant prices and below-par cooking are combined with flair to make a thoroughly average meal.

You might start with a prawn cocktail priced at £10.50, only to find a scant few prawns hidden amidst the dubiously languid greenery. For a main, you may splash out on a lamb cutlet for a wallet-bruising £22.50, only to find the lamb to be rubbery and bland. It might as well have been made from plastic, to compliment the sham of everything else around you. And after this costly meal, you can drown your sorrows with the human Chanel sunglasses that are taking up every inch of the bar upstairs. Or, you could walk the plank and get it over with.

BBB is a great venue for people with money to throw away, who want to be seen by other people who are also throwing their money away. It’s a communal money pit for the pretty-young-things of Kensington. Bret Easton Ellis would have a field day here. In fact, it would make an interesting anthropological case study. But that’s about all it’s good for.

Beach Blanket Babylon, 45 Ledbury Road, London W11 2AA. Tel. 020 7229 2907.