Melrose Arch Hotel

I once followed Sir Richard Branson into the ladies’ toilets. That’s not the sort of incident that one normally boasts about, except perhaps during a particularly enjoyable dinner party in the company of close friends and having digested one too many vintage cognacs for one’s own good. But, dear readers, as you are all my close friends in spirit and likeminded tastes, I thought I would share this story with you too. Besides, Richard doesn’t mind and he has a good sense of humour. I hope.

We were checking in at the exclusive and trendy Melrose Arch Hotel in Johannesburg where Richard has installed one of his Virgin Active gyms. I should mention at this point that we were checking in at the same time, not together as such. It’s true that we had arrived in South Africa on the same Virgin Atlantic flight but we were blessed with the company of our respective spouses, the trip being a jumble of business and pleasure.

While Mrs Jonesy and Mrs Branson handled the form-filling procedures, Richard and I had a chinwag about good restaurants in Johannesburg and other light-hearted tittle-tattle. I had been yearning to visit the gentlemen’s cloakroom ever since leaving the airport, so I made my excuses and Sir Richard, ever the gentleman, decided to accompany me so that we could continue our conversation on piste, so to speak. The lavatory doors at Melrose Arch are adorned with African carved figures to symbolise the man and the woman, but being stylised in design their biological differences are not as obvious as one might think, especially if your mind is somewhat befuddled after a long and bumpy eleven-hour flight. And Richard walked straight into the ladies’ sanctum.

I noticed that he’d made a mistake but for some reason I didn’t stop him and to make matters worse, I followed him in, foreseeing screams of terror from fashionable waifs caught powdering their noses by two testosterone-crazed intruders. Thankfully the room was empty but I saw the cogs of his brain churning as he realised there were no urinals and the decor was distinctly feminine too. We attended to our business, silently denying in a very British way that we weren’t in any sort of embarrassing predicament whatsoever, a bit like a man whose umbrella has been turned inside out by the wind but who carries on regardless as the rain soaks his tailored suit to the core.

We made our escape undiscovered; just imagine if we’d been in London, if we had been ‘papped’ and featured in a scandal-story in The Sun or Hello Magazine. Oh, the embarrassment! You can just envisage the headlines: Sir Dicky Does the Dirty in Public Lav (The Sun), Branson Caught with Arbuturian Editor in Ladies’ Toilet (The Guardian), Branson Gives Birth to Alien Baby (News of the World).

I suppose you are now thinking that by revealing this to the world by way of this article I will be causing just as much embarrassment for us both – but there is no photographic evidence – only this sordid tale from a writer known for his wild and wine-addled imagination. Besides, I met Richard at a press event a while after and I mentioned the fact that we had mistakenly walked into the ladies’ toilets together. He admitted that he’d known and hoped that I hadn’t noticed. We had a good chuckle and he told me never to repeat the story or he would have me killed.

Anyway, dear Arbuturians, that was a rather long-winded way to introduce an article about the Melrose Arch Hotel. That’s what I set out to write about, so, on to the boring factual bits: Melrose Arch is a secure precinct in Johannesburg replete with boutique shops, restaurants, the aforementioned hotel and a number of businesses who are increasingly flocking to this safe and exclusive enclosure. It’s like a newer, hipper version of Sandton City, the gigantic shopping mall that acts as a city centre to the wealthy Northern suburbs.

A humongous genetically-modified doorman greets you and opens the imposing hotel entrance with his gigantic hands, his Shrek-like smile beaming African hospitality. Saunter along the catwalk-runway, through the lobby with the under-lit colour-fazing floor and the hospitality continues at the reception desk; all smiles and well-rehearsed welcome speech.

The rooms are designed with quirkiness in mind. They all feature a big flat-screen television that you can watch from the bath, which is supplied with its own rubber ducks. We especially like the wall-safe hidden behind a picture of a burglar cracking said vault. Choose a pool-facing room with a balcony that overlooks a central courtyard and is generally a lot quieter than square-facing rooms which are occasionally bombarded with music from Moyo, the lively African-themed restaurant opposite the hotel.

Travelling businessmen and politicians will be pleased to find some free pornography among the room’s complementary DVD selection; no embarrassing titles listed on your bill for the accountants to mock and newspapers to print. There is also a complimentary bowl of M&Ms in each room and some fruit, among other things. Downstairs, enjoy a cocktail or cigars and a cognac in the Library Bar, but don’t expect speedy service. Drinks can take what feels like a geological era to arrive, as does the bill and everything else you ask for – if you manage to catch the waiters’ attention in the first place – they have the remarkable skill of being on hand whenever you don’t need them, and being as elusive as leopards whenever you do.

The March restaurant has a well-constructed and varied menu and churns out decent grub at a moderately high-end with prices to match. Breakfasts are equally highbrow and highly priced, but we’d recommend that you pop across the square to JB’s Corner instead. You’ll probably need to reserve a table as it’s a popular destination for the locals, but you can enjoy a hearty fry-up, a homemade burger and fantastic milkshakes and patisseries as you watch the world go by. Plus, the Virgin Active gym is a hop across the road when you start to feel guilty about all the calories you’ve just consumed.

Evenings at Melrose Arch are suave and sophisticated; relax on the veranda overlooking the square, sipping cocktails and nibbling bar snacks, shoot a game of pool in the library or go out back to the pool area and enjoy the peace and tranquillity of the central courtyard gardens. During the day, tables and chairs are placed in the shallow section of the pool so that guests can dunk their legs into the water while they lunch on club sandwiches, mixed platters and fresh fruit juice.

There are many places to stay in Johannesburg but perhaps none as convenient or as fashionable as the Melrose Arch Hotel, and with Shrek guarding the hotel entrance, editors and knighted businessmen can frolic in the ladies’ toilets to their hearts’ content without the paparazzi finding out. I can’t think of a better reason to stay there. And neither can Sir Dick.

Melrose Arch Hotel, 1 Melrose Square, Melrose Arch, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa 2076. Tel +27 11 214 6666. Website.